The Mental Price of Skinny (and how I’m finding middle ground)

It felt good to write and publish my last post, “Intentions and Confidence.” It feels right to have my voice out here again, even though it is a somewhat changed voice. But isn’t that what our voices do? Change, grow bolder, and perhaps wiser?

Ever since first grade, I’ve been honing my voice. (Read “The GleefleThat Sneefed” from my ZenBagLady blog.) I can shut it up for awhile, but it doesn’t take long for it to start knocking in my brain, “Let me out, damn it! I’ve got something to say that you (meaning me) need to hear!”

And so last week I let my voice out of its mind cage and resurrected Lynn’s Weigh. You see, months ago, I thought I’d written the last chapter of my weight-loss, weight-maintenance journey. I thought I had nothing thoughtful to say anymore. I wasn’t losing weight. Hell, I wasn’t even maintaining! I am 20 pounds heavier than my goal weight – weight brought on, in part, by arthritic and personal issues. But the biggest reason I’d gone blog rogue is, quite frankly, I was ideologically exhausted. I didn’t know what I believed anymore.

For six years I was a food purist. I became a vegetarian along the way and I ate a salad every day and two servings of fruit. I limited my carb intake, and shunned white sugar, white flour, white rice, white potatoes, Splenda and Tofurkey. I weighed myself every morning, naked and evacuated. Every point-something number mattered and was recorded. When the scale read between 128-132, I was happy. Anything more than 132, I panicked.

I ate, drank, and slept weight. I wrote about it, talked about it, and even got on camera a few times to show what losing weight looks like. Weight was a full-time job that didn’t pay the bills and left me emotionally drained.

Then I got divorced, and for the last two years, life has morphed into something very unlike the life I lived in the comfort zone of yore. Weight used to be my purpose. For the last year, it’s been more of a backdrop. It is my Intention to find a middle ground. A place I can lose or maintain without losing perspective. A place in which I can walk and chew gum at the same time.

This doesn’t mean I’ve changed my belief that good nutrition and balanced food choices and portions are essential to weight loss and maintenance. And I still believe in the power of exercise, both on our minds and bodies. Those themes will remain the same here. What I’m learning is how to set my train back on the tracks when I get derailed by physical issues and emotions beyond my immediate control. I listen much more closely to my body and treat it with even greater respect than I thought possible. I’ll share these insights with you along the way, as I’ve always done, but with less absolutes than before. Balance, I’ve learned, allows for some wiggle room.

I’m also back because I have the best readers in the blog-o-sphere! Readers who aren’t afraid to speak up, share, ask questions, and support one another. Call me selfish, but I need y’all (or “yinz” if you live in Pittsburgh). Thanks for sticking with me, and if you’re new here, welcome! I’ve posted 400+ blogs here in five years, so start reading! There will be a quiz on the material in a few weeks. Oh wait, that’s MY life. I’LL have a quiz on material I’ve read over the next few weeks. I’M the one in school. Everything gets so tangled up in my head sometimes :)

As a quick update, my daughter, Carlene, was married in October.

Luca is 3 1/2. Claire is a squish over 5.

Maelie (AKA MaeMoo) will be 2 in four weeks!

And my grandchildren keep growing like weeds!

Grandbaby #4 is due the end of February. My daughter, Cassie, amazes and inspires me every day. She teaches spin and a strength training class several times a week this late in her pregnancy. When I had 6-7 weeks left of my pregnancies, I went to work (in an office), came home, and plopped in front of the TV. I’m still guilty of that, and I don’t work in an office and I’m not pregnant! I have no excuse! 

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Congratulations to MariankaK for winning Carla “MizFit” Birnberg’s book, “How to Build Muscle and Lose WeightWithout Losing Your Mind.” As I mentioned last blog, I’ve been reading Carla’s blog for years and her down-to-earth approach to life, fitness, motherhood, you name it has grounded me many times, especially those times I didn’t realize I was ungrounded! Give her blog and book a look-see if you haven’t already.